And how to finally break the pattern.
They come on strong, then pull away.
They say just enough to keep you hoping but never enough to make you feel secure.
And yet, you can’t stop thinking about them.
If you keep finding yourself drawn to people who feel distant, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken.
This pattern is deeply rooted in attachment, self-worth, and what love has meant to you in the past.
So let’s unpack the psychology behind this attraction — and how to stop chasing people who aren’t capable of showing up.
1. You Mistake Anxiety for Chemistry
When someone is hot and cold, it activates your nervous system — and that spike in adrenaline and uncertainty can feel like attraction.
It’s not chemistry. It’s emotional whiplash — and it’s addictive.
If someone makes you feel unsure, constantly overanalyzing, and emotionally unsteady… that’s not passion. That’s your body responding to stress.
2. Your Attachment Style Is Driving the Pattern
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may:
- Crave closeness but fear rejection
- Overinvest in people who give you very little
- Confuse inconsistency with depth
Emotionally unavailable people often “match” this dynamic because they avoid intimacy — while you chase it.
This cycle creates a push-pull that feels familiar… but not safe.
3. It Feels Familiar (Even If It’s Dysfunctional)
You may not like emotional distance, but it may feel normal based on how love was modeled for you growing up. The way we interact with others, the way we deal with relationship is based on the early relationships we’ve had during our childhood.
- Were you emotionally neglected as a child?
- Did love come with conditions, silence, or unpredictability?
We tend to recreate the emotional environments that shaped us — not because they’re good for us, but because they’re familiar.
4. You See Their Potential, Not Their Pattern
Emotionally unavailable people often have just enough charm, depth, or vulnerability to keep you hooked.
You think:
- “They’re just scared of love.”
- “If I love them well enough, they’ll change.”
- “They just need time.”
This is the fantasy trap: you’re not in love with them — you’re in love with who they could become.
5. Being Fully Loved Feels Uncomfortable
If you’re used to chasing love or proving your worth, someone who offers stability and emotional safety might feel… boring.
You might feel:
- Restless
- Unseen (because there’s no crisis to solve)
- Like something is missing
But maybe what’s missing is the chaos. Not the love.
6. You Think You Have to Earn Love
You stay because you believe:
- If I’m patient enough, they’ll open up
- If I don’t pressure them, they’ll come closer
- If I show how much I care, they’ll finally choose me
This comes from a deeper belief that love must be earned, not received.
In healthy love, you don’t have to convince someone to choose you. They just do.
7. You’re Not Used to Emotional Safety — Yet
When you meet someone emotionally healthy, your body might reject it:
- You feel uninterested
- You create conflict
- You feel like it’s too easy
This is called emotional sabotage — and it happens when your nervous system isn’t used to peace.
The good news? Safety gets easier the more you practice it.
How to Break the Cycle
- Notice the signs early — inconsistency, poor communication, avoidant behavior
- Choose self-respect over potential — walk away sooner
- Date people who show up — not just those who show flashes of depth
- Go to therapy or read about attachment — build awareness
- Ask: does this feel safe or just familiar?
You’re Not Crazy. You’re Just Wounded.
Being attracted to people who can’t love you back doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It means you’re trying to get love in a way that feels familiar — but no longer serves you.
And when you heal, you’ll stop mistaking intensity for intimacy. You’ll stop confusing distance for mystery.
And you’ll start choosing love that actually feels like love.
The Modern Woman 