Relationships are intricate, made of emotions, connexions between complex people and experiences. Some of the experiences that will shape us the most happen during childhood and contribute to how we love and act in relationships.

These are called attachment styles. 

Attachment styles are patterns of behaviour in and around relationships based on how we experienced our early relationships with our primary caregivers. 

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

• Secure attachment:  If you have a secure attachment style, you are generally well-equipped to deal with relationships. Individuals with a secure attachment style typically display behaviours characterized by trust, open communication, and emotional availability. They are comfortable expressing their needs, seeking support, and providing it to their partners. Their behaviour is rooted in security, knowing they can rely on their partner for comfort and reassurance. As a result, they tend to exhibit healthier relationship dynamics, fostering cooperation, empathy, and intimacy. 

What can I do about it? There are still a few things you can do to improve your relationships. For example, you can make sure to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You can also be supportive and understanding, being there for your partner when they need you.

• Anxious attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to have trust issues. Anxious attachment style often manifests in behaviours driven by a fear of abandonment or rejection. Those with an anxious attachment may constantly seek validation and reassurance from their partner, becoming preoccupied with their availability and commitment. They may exhibit clingy or overly dependent behaviour, experiencing heightened anxiety in response to perceived distance. 

What can I do about it? Understanding the underlying fears and practising open communication can help develop more secure relationship patterns. You can do this by gradually exposing yourself to situations that make you feel anxious. You can also talk to a therapist or counsellor who can help you to understand your anxiety and how to manage it. If your partner has an anxious attachment style, remember that patience, empathy, and creating a safe space for emotional expression can help alleviate their fears and foster a more secure attachment. Rember, they are quick to interpret your behaviour as a sign of rejection, even if it is not intended that way.

• Avoidant attachment: If you have an avoidant attachment style, you fear intimacy. As such, people with this attachment style tend to push away others and avoid intimacy. Individuals with avoidant attachment tend to prioritize independence and self-reliance over emotional intimacy. They may display behaviours that create distance, such as avoiding deep emotional conversations or becoming emotionally detached when confronted with vulnerability. Avoidantly attached individuals may struggle with commitment and find it challenging to express their feelings. They may have a hard time trusting others and may be quick to withdraw from relationships. 

What can I do about it? You can work on your intimacy by gradually getting closer to your partner and learning to trust them. You can also talk to a therapist or counsellor who can help you to understand your fear of intimacy and how to overcome it. Remember that they may be afraid of being hurt or rejected and may not feel comfortable expressing their emotions.

• Fearful-avoidant/Disorganized attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style are a combination of anxious and avoidant. Those with this attachment style may exhibit a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviours, creating confusion and emotional turmoil in relationships. They may be both clingy and distant, and they may have a hard time trusting others. They may also be afraid of being hurt or rejected, and they may withdraw from relationships when they feel threatened. They may struggle with emotional regulation, have difficulty forming stable connections, and exhibit fear or avoidance in relationships. This attachment results from traumatic or inconsistent caregiving experiences, leading to conflicting and unpredictable behaviour patterns. 

What can I do about it? If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you may need to work on both your trust issues and your fear of intimacy. You can do this by gradually getting closer to your partner and learning to trust them. Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can aid in addressing past traumas and promoting healthier relationship patterns.

Attachment style can have a big impact on our relationships and dating experiences in several ways. People with secure attachment styles are more likely to have happy and fulfilling relationships. People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may have a harder time forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

If you are struggling in your relationships, evaluating your attachment style may be useful. Learning about your attachment style can help you to understand why you behave the way you do in relationships and how you can change your to have more fulfilling relationships.