In any familial, professional or amicable relationship, setting and maintaining boundaries is essential to establish long and harmonious relationships. That’s even more true when it comes to romantic relationships.
Think of boundaries as invisible lines that define your personal limits. They create a space with a sense of safety, mutual respect and understanding. As such, they help you determine your emotional (and physical) well-being. They should be thought of as the building blocks of any healthy relationship.

Setting up boundaries.

Start by identifying what you need and what you want. What am I looking for in a relationship? What do I want or need from a partner? Am I comfortable with this? How do I feel in such a situation? And no, that’s not narcissism. All of us have boundaries in all our relationships. Let’s say your partner feels comfortable with threesomes. Or in having an open relationship. Is that a boundary for you? Once you know exactly what you need and want, what will make this relationship work (or not), you can start communicating those to your partner.

Take, for example, what has been seen in the press and on social media this past couple of days regarding Jonah Hills and his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady. The two dated for about a year and separated in 2022. Since, Hill has welcomed a child with his new partner. In a series of Instagram Stories, Brady accused the director of using his mental health to justify emotional and psychological abuse, misogyny and controlling behaviour. Whether that is true or not, is past the point here. I personally think it odd that Brady waited so long to ‘denounce’ his behaviour, especially just after the birth of his child. Call me old-fashioned, but airing dirty laundry never felt right for me. The point is that they both had extremely different boundaries for their relationship. He felt uncomfortable at what he considered excessive nudity on social media on her part. She felt uneasy at his demands to censor herself and her body on social media (being a surfer, pictures in a swimsuit or bikini are not unusual).

Regardless of how you feel about what transpired between them, it’s a perfect example of conflicting boundaries (and here, I would say unhealthy ones).

Clear communication is fundamental.

Be assertive when you communicate your boundaries. Don’t be aggressive or passive but assertive. Explain what you need, where there is space for negotiations, and what are hard limits. Make yourself clear. “I feel”, “I need” are simple ways to make things crystal clear without difficulties. And if you are met with absolute resistance and no space to negotiate things that are fundamental to you, then perhaps, he is not the right person for you.
The same can be said for you. Because if setting boundaries are essential, they still need to remain reasonable. I once met a woman complaining that her boyfriend was “neglecting” her because he wasn’t willing to give her a monthly allowance of $1,000. How could she live that way? Who was going to pay for the nails and the extensions? After all, she had standards. And, no, she wasn’t joking as I first thought because of my young age. She was absolutely serious. That’s when I realized there was a certain category of women who thought of men as living, walking, breathing ATM machines.
I’ll pay for my own nails, thank you very much.

But as mentioned before, setting boundaries requires some flexibility and negotiations. This means that, while you are entitled to share your, you must also listen to what the other person has to say. You must listen to what makes them valued, comfortable and at ease in the relationship.

Healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries help you maintain your sense of self and identity in the relationship. They allow you to feel respected and valued as your partner listens to and values your concerns. That is essential to create trust and respect between you two.

Healthy boundaries allow us to establish a sense of self-worth and self-respect while also respecting the autonomy and needs of others. Because a healthy relationship is not one where one partner’s identity disappears for the profit of the other but rather a union of two individuals with distinct personalities that find a space to flourish together.

Setting healthy boundaries in your relationship can be challenging, but it’s worth it. Boundaries help you to protect yourself and your relationship. Ideally, you should know them before you start dating and communicate them clearly early in a new relationship.

But remember when setting boundaries to be consistent with them, to be respectful of others and be patient.